we're chasing vodka with high fives
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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