I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
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