I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
