Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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