he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
