I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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