He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
