I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
