Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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