My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
this is an emotional support booty call
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
