he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
