cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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