if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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