What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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