I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
