She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
