I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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