I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
