Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
