right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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