It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
