a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
