I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
