Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
YAS. BRING CRAB.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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