My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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