I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
