Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
