im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
