How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
