this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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