i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
