so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
