I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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