I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
