Don't make out with my wife yet
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
