Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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