I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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