You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
