someone get that fucking seahorse.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
