someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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