you're like a bully in the Christmas story
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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