if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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