someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
