I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
