there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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