My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
