just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
