what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
