I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
