There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
